The Cynical Critic

Well, I guess I finally got around to reviewing something, and what better thing to review than Gears of War 2. For starters I would just like to say that Gears 2 is a solid game, and builds upon everything that Gears of War 1 started. Of course Gears 2 is still not without it’s flaws. Anyway, let’s get into the game some, and I’ll show you my take on it.

First off, like any good game review, the single player mode of the game should be talked about first. Gears 2 follows up the story set by the original Gears pretty nicely. It expands on a lot of things that were simply left to be pondered in GoW 1, adds some new characters, as well as answer some questions that really should have been answered in GoW 1. Overall, the story (as far as shooter games go) is much better than the first Gears, and is surprisingly good for a game of its type. The voice acting is pretty good to boot. The single player campaign mode is of decent length, and seems a bit longer than Gears 1. Overall it should take most players around 8-10 hours to complete on the “hard” difficulty setting.

One thing that really seems to be improved from the first game, is the way the campaign mode is laid out. Instead of just taking each level as if it’s just another mission, the game’s chapter objectives seem to happen almost in real time, as if you were really in that situation. A small gripe I had about the single player that I feel I have to mention is the controls for the vehicle levels. They’re are terrible. Just simply trying to make a basic turn becomes excessively hard. I know it’s not a big thing, but it seems like it’s something that should have been made better. Overall, it gives the game a more real experience, and makes it seem less linear than it really is.

The boss fights in the campaign mode are rather less than stellar, although the sheer amount of new enemies, as well as the size of most new baddies definitely makes up for this. Many new and dangerous opponents await you in Gears 2, which is certainly a step up from the first Gears. Single player campaign overall is a rewarding experience, and should be more than enough to pry a player away from the multiplayer game of Gears 2 (which is a reason why some people may purchase Gears 2 to begin with).

Let’s move onto the multiplayer aspect of the game. As far as the core gameplay goes, not much has been changed from Gears 1. However, EPIC has made enough minor tweaks so as to make the game feel much more like a team based shooter, as opposed to the “run n gun, shot gun fest” that was Gears 1.

Gone is the over powered shot gun, as well as the ridiculous host advantage some players had on live matches. Gears 2 feels much more balanced, and with the addition of a few new weapons, new executions, a lot of new but also good maps (along with the addition of some old favorites), and a few new gametypes, Gears 2 multiplayer is much better than its predessecor, barr a few drawbacks.

Of course those drawbacks do happen to dampen the experience to the degree, most notably the time it takes to find a match in matchmaking. To wait more than 5 minutes to find a match is just ridiculous, and for such an action there really is no excuse. My only hopes that Epic either fixes this very soon, or releases a patch ASAP. Other gripes have to be the extremely noob friendly chainsaw. It seems at times that the weapon caters heavily to new players, and as a result some matches will become nothing but players holding the “B” button. Also, the ability to stick grenades to any surface is certainly a cool feature, but in multiplayer it gets a bit absurd. When you have less than half a second to react to a stickied grenade, it gets a bit frustrating. Assuming at the very least that EPIC will release a patch to fix match making, I will happily live with the rest of these gripes and simply overlook them.

Finally, entirely new to Gears of War is the addition of the Horde mode. In Horde mode, up to five players fight in an onslaught of wave after wave of non stop computer controlled enemies. Truth be told, I have probably had more fun with this game mode than any other in Gears 2. The sheer craziness and excitement of Horde is awesome when your playing with four of your friends. And on tougher levels, the game goes from being hard to ridiculous, and forces you to work as a team, or die alone. This is definitely a nice addition to the game, and will certainly appeal to those who aren’t a big fan of the online versus mode, and more favor the single player or campagin modes.

In conclusion Gears of War 2 is a pretty good game, and except for some minor glitching here and there, awkward vehicle controls, and stupid match making, the game would be close to flawless. But even with those problems aside, Gears 2 is still a must own game for the Xbox 360. If you have any friends on live, or in person that even remotely enjoy a shooter, pick up Gears 2. It’s worth it alone for the Horde mode.

9/ 10

So apparently I haven’t posted in awhile. Eh. Well, today should more than make up for that. I have a nice special treat for you. Apparently Hollywood will make a movie about anything anymore.
As a result, it seems like Ridley Scott has chosen to base his next movie off of Detroit’s most infamous mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick.

Russel Crowe stars as the hot shot prosecuting attorney trying to put down the corrupt mayor while simultaneously dealing with his own inner demons. Forrest Whitaker also stars in what looks to be yet another Academy Award winning role as Kwame Kilpatrick. Al Pacino plays the supporting role of the cop charged to bring down Kilpatrick who is surrounded by nothing but corrupt policeman. And finally Keanu Reeves stars as Kilpatrick’s right hand man.

Although the movie seems rather loosely based on mayor Kwame Kilpatrick’s actual term in office, it still looks very promising, and with such an allstar class, it definitely seems like a movie you won’t wanna miss.

I managed to get ahold of a teaser trailer for those of you who are interested. I highly suggest you check this out.

For Next Week: A review of Zach and Miri, and Gears of War 2!

Alright, I got a bit of a treat for you. Since Halloween is just around the corner, and most people will be scrambling to there nearest Blockbuster to rent some scary movies, I decided to put together a list of the top seven scary movies that work great for Halloween parties or get togethers. So sit back, and enjoy.

7. Saw

Nevermind the mediocre sequels, the original Saw is where it’s at. With a chilling plot, interesting story telling, and an ending that will leave you flawed, Saw is one of the most intelligent horror movies I have ever seen. Although it certainly suffers from some bad acting, it more than makes up for it with its gruesome violence, and haunting tone. If you haven’t seen it, I definitely recommend checking it out.

6. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1973)

I think one of the most terrifying things about Texas Chainsaw Massacre is the way the film starts. It begins with a disclaimer stating that the following events are actually real. It seems to be that idea alone that is what gives Chainsaw Massacre some it’s scariness. The whole seems extremely possible, couple that with the creepiness of the deep south and one of the most terrifying sounds imaginable (a chainsaw), and you have one terrifying movie. If you have seen the remakes, you need to see the original, they are of no real comparison.

5. Alien

Possibly Ridley Scott’s masterpiece (next to Gladiator, I guess), Alien is also Sigourney Weaver’s main starring role. The movie blends two different things than terrify a number of people: 1. Enclosed spaces - Most of the movie takes place in a space ship, thus giving the viewer a feeling of being closed in.  2. The Unknown - Nothing is revealed about the Alien, other than his motives which are rather simplistic: kill everything that lives. These things, along with the combination of chilling ambience sound, and pacing that goes from slow to non-stop, makes this movie one of the scariest sci-fi’s of all time.

4. The Evil Dead

Although its sequels tend to verge more on the slap stick/ action sort of genre, the original Evil Dead is certainly a horror movie through and through. Sam Raimi, and cult icon Bruce Campbell, both went into the woods with around a 100 grand to make an epic B-movie horror film. When they emerged, Evil Dead was born, a cult classic, and not to mention a pretty scary movie to boot. Setting is everything in Evil Dead. The story takes place in an old cabin nestled inside a creepy forest. Overall, the movie certainly delivers both excitement and terror, as well as one of film’s most treasured characters, Ash. Oh and let’s not forget the epic, “tree rape” scene.

3. Night of the Living Dead (1968)

George A. Romero is a hero of mine for a number of reasons. One, he is a director that very rarely let’s others control his work, and always listens to what his fans have to say. The other reason would be that he made Night of the Living Dead, and more or less became “The Father of Modern Zombies” as we know it. In Night of the Living Dead, Romero shows us that it doesn’t take lot’s of money, or high tech special effects, or even A-list actors to make a great movie. It just takes an original idea and some raw talent. Night of the Living Dead is still scary to this day, even if it has been more than 40 years since its release. The entire movie is shot in black and white even though color was available at the time, and it really gives the movie a much more creepier atmosphere. A lot of people also don’t know that the main character, Ben, was in fact the first African American cast as a non-ethnic lead in a major motion picture in America, and the first time a black actor had a starring role in a horror film. There really isn’t enough space here to talk about how great this film is. It really is a historic landmark in horror movies. If you haven’t seen it, go see it right now. And don’t rent the crappy colored version! See it the way it’s meant to be watched, in black and white.

2. The Exorcist

Most people consider The Exorcist to be the scariest movie of all time, and after a first watching it’s pretty obvious why. Combined with the overall ultra realism of the film, the numerous disturbing scenes, and the infamous subliminal imaging, this movie scares you on multiple levels. It’s not only physically scary (i.e. makes you jump), but it’s also psychologically scary. I here people talk about this movie all the time, and they all say the same thing: they saw it as a kid, and it has scarred them ever since. It’s hard to believe a movie can even do something like that. It was shocking when it first came out, and it’s still shocking to this day. If you’re gonna watch it, I suggest finding the version that contains the infamous, “spider walk” scene.

1. Halloween (1978)

Possibly my favorite horror movie of all time, Halloween is indeed a classic. Although most consider The Excorcist to be an overall scarier film, Halloween certainly is a more fitting movie when it comes to this list. It’s hard to say exactly what makes this movie so good, but I guess it would be the combination of different elements. The idea that a deranged person could go into a suburb and start killing people is terrifyingly realistic. That coupled with the movie’s attention to detail, and how it takes it’s time increasing the tension until the final scene where everything kind of explodes. Then of course there’s that eerie theme music that no one can forget. Finally, Halloween has one of the greatest villains and horror characters of all time, Michael Meyers. Meyers has no real motives, or ulitmate goal, he just wants to kill people, and we the viewer know so little about him. Maybe that’s why it makes him so creepy. Halloween is historical in the sense that it is the father of modern slasher flicks. Avoid the remake and the sequels (except the second one which is decent), and check out the original for yourself. At the very least it will certainly be a fitting film.

Honorable Mentions: Psycho, The Thing, The Birds, The Hills Have Eyes (1977), The Shining

Oh god… well, here it is. The review I have been promising for nearly a week. And with it, the return of a Terrible Tuesday review. The movie is of course, Alien vs Hunter, easily one of the absolute worst movies I have ever seen. Hardly anything even comes close to the attrocities this film commits. Any way, here’s the review. Read and enjoy.

Well, there you have it. On first glance it looks vaguely familiar. Hmm. I can’t seem to place my finger where I have seen this picture before though. Oh wait, now I remember!

http://www.dvdtown.com/images/displaymedia.php?id=23182&sizew=500&cat=3&type=1&page=0

Ah, yes. Such a clear rip off indeed. In fact, I can’t help but think that the entire idea of the film was simply to trick people into renting AVH, when they wanted to see AvP. It really seems like they purposefully wanted to model AVH off of Aliens vs Predator. However, this very idea becomes even more laughable when Alien vs Predator was a crappy movie to begin with. So in short, if you thought AvP sucked, you can imagine how much worse AvH is. Yeah. It really is that bad.

Coming soon, in the fashion of Alien vs Predator and Freddy vs Jason, it's SEINFELD VS ALLEN!

Anyway, so the movie starts off with some guy that looks like the politician guy from X-Men and a cop in the desert, and they find an alien spaceship. Basically, an alien comes out and kills the cop. From this point on, the bullcrap has already started. For the next 20 to 25 minutes nothing happens at all. In fact, this is kinda the formula for the rest of the movie. We see an alien for 4-10 seconds, then sit through 30 minutes of pointless dialogue. And let me tell you, the dialogue isn’t only pointless, it’s literally some of the worst writing of all time. It’s so bad that it is hard to physically sit through it.

Eventually we see the hunter guy, or what I guess happens to be the hunter. I really can’t tell at this point and the movie makes sure to not give the viewer any backstory, or information. I guess the best part about the Hunter guy is that he looks like a giant beekeeper. I really don’t understand how a intergalactic bee keeper can fight an alien, but eh. That’s another thing that pisses me off about this movie, the actual characters from the film look NOTHING LIKE THEY DO ON THE STUPID F***ING DVD BOX!!! It’s retarded. Also, they only show the alien for a couple of seconds, and then switch back to something else. It’s almost as if the film director knows the alien looks like a big piece of fecal matter.

At one point in the movie the alien kills some character and then begins to eat him. Later on, they end up reusing the exact same eating footage that was shown previously. Then again. Then again. In fact, they reuse this scene at least four times throughout the entire movie. It’s like they’re not even trying. As far as they’re concerned they already got there money from you, so who cares how bad this movie ended up.

The movie continues to s-l-o-w-l-y build up to its craptacular finale, as the characters (whose names aren’t even worth mentioning) bicker amongst themselves about what to do. Let me tell you right now, the acting in this movie is painful to watch. More than once throughout the film, you can clearly catch actors smile as they are being chased through a forest by the alien. My only guess is that the actors knew how bad this movie was, and couldn’t help but giggle as they watched there entire acting careers get flushed down the toilet. Then again, I don’t think any of these “actors” were really actors to begin with. I have a feeling most of these people just signed onto to do AvH to simply compensate their cocaine and alchohol addictions. At least that’s what I’m hoping.

Eventually at the end of the movie, the Hunter and Alien duke it out, as the stupid humans try to figure out a way to stop the alien. One of the humans ended up getting shot by the Hunter’s laser gun, and immediately vanishes on screen.

Bee Keeper man, AKA the Hunter.

Needless to say such an event caused me to pee my pants from laughter. The special effects in this movie are hilariously bad. Finally, one of the human’s manage to kill the alien, and peace is restored.

WARNING POINTLESS SPOILER AHEAD: The final shot of the movie shows the Hunter removing his mask, and it is shown to be a human, who asks what the next mission is. As irrelevent a scene as this is, it leaves the movie up to what can only be described as a possible sequel. Yes, that’s right. A followup to this crap fest may in fact be what the director had in mind.

In the end, what can be said about this movie? Well, quite a lot actually. Words like putrid, God-awful, and excrement come to mind, but AvH still deserves some respect simply because it is so bad that it makes a lot of movies so much better in comparison. Like for example, Starship Troopers has amazing special effects compared to AvH, and The Happening deserves an Academy Award when compared to AvH’s cinematography. And finally 3 Ninjas High Noon at Mega Mountain is the greatest movie of all time when compared to Alien vs Hunter.

With that being said, is Alien vs Hunter the worst movie of all time? Possibly. Should you go see it? Sure, since some one uploaded the whole movie on Youtube, and assuming you a sadist. Is it worth your time? No. You would be better off using your time to do something useful like plotting your grave site, or counting the number of tiles on your bathroom wall.

Crap-O-Meter: -9.5/ 10

Well, Halloween is just around the corner, so of course that means a new Saw movie will be out soon. In fact, on Friday, October 24th, Saw V will be released in theaters everywhere. So what can we expect from this new Saw installment? Well, to be certain, more of the same. With each Saw installment getting progressively worse, it’s pretty safe to say that expecting an average “gorror” (lol, horror and gore) movie will be about on par with the way the series has been delivering.

Last year’s Saw IV was more or less a disappointment compared to Saw III, but still it wasn’t the worst in the series (that honor belongs to none other than Saw II). But with each entry becoming less and less intelligent compared to the genius (yes, I said genius) of the first Saw, it’s really only a matter of time before the entire series goes into the crapper. Regardless though, this year’s Saw will give viewers what they expect (including myself), some good old fashion gore and violence, along with some cheap scares, and an even cheaper plot twist. You know it’s gonna be bad when the catchphrase for the movie is, “You won’t believe the ending”.

And if that wasn’t the worse case scenario, director Darren Lynn Bousman is NOT directing this film, so I’m afraid to say that the majority of Saw’s creepy atmosphere is certainly at risk with this new sequel. For those of you that are wondering, I managed to stumble across an official, albeit brief plot synopsis: “Hoffman is seemingly the last person alive to carry on the Jigsaw legacy. But when his secret is threatened, Hoffman must go on the hunt to eliminate all loose ends.”

My predictions: (possible spoilers ahead) At the end of the movie it is revealed that John (Tobin Bell), is in fact not Jigsaw, and was simply a pawn in a much larger game, OR that John is in fact not dead at all. It’s also been revealed that Danny Glover (he played Detective Tapp in the first film) will be in this film in one way or another.

(end spoilers)

Either way though I’m sure the theaters will be packed for the upcoming film. If you’re a fan of the series like I am, be sure you check it out this weekend. If you’re not, look for my review which should be up some time next week.

Tomorrow - AVH!!!

In the words of Keanu Reeves, “Whoa”, it’s an actual review! Yes, after a bit of a hiatus from doing almost no posting, I am back to post once in awhile yet again. Horray. Well, today I have a bit of a treat. I am going to review a haunted house I went to on Saturday. So with that being said, if you are planning to go this haunt, then I suggest you scroll to the end and avoid some of the spoilers, as it will certainly make your trip less exciting. Anyway, let’s get on with it shall we.

So there it is. Erebus in Pontiac, the world famous (supposedly) 4 story haunted house. And in case you were wondering, yes the line was that long, and yes it ended up wrapping around the building and went on for almost another two blocks. I guess if I had to sum up my entire experience there it would be “mostly disappointing”, but that’s not to say that I had a bad time. Well, let me just tell you some of my experience and maybe you will get what I am trying to say.

First off, it should be known that Erebus is rated in a number of haunted house magazines (yes, those really exist) and online sites as one of the top ten haunted attractions in the U.S. Also, it’s even supposedly in the Guiness Book of Records for being the largest haunted house in the world. So, naturally I had decently high expectations. To make matters worse, me and my friends had been planning to visit there ever since we heard about it (nearly two years ago). Lastly, since the place is in Pontiac, I had to drive easily an hour and a half to get there.

So, I eventually made it to Erebus, and after paying three dollars for parking I then proceeded to wait in line for a good hour- hour and a half. Now, I figured that there would be waiting, so I’m not really complaining about that. While waiting in line, every now and then a worker dressed up as zombie would walk in and out of the line, scaring random people. It made the line move faster, and the zombie looked incredibly detailed. I figured this was just a look at things to come. Once you get to the front of the building, a giant spider hangs over head, along with a hanging, upside down lifelike dummy, who seems to be struggling to get down. It certainly gave off an eerie feeling, and everyone in my party got a chilling sense in there spines. So far it was looking like this place was going to be pretty creepy.

Once we got inside we ended up having to wait in another line. And then another. And then another. Basically, we were waiting in a line, within a line. Eventually, after another twenty minutes of waiting we were finally in the actual haunted house. The beginning of the fright was actually pretty cool. They locked everyone in these little rooms, and took some time to build up the tension, then finally let everyone out.

At first most of the rooms seemed decently decorated, and some what convincing. But then over time, the rooms began to look more and more dull. Eventually it just got to the point where they were just gray rooms, with a person waiting to jump out in front of you. In fact, that’s easily the worst part about Erebus, the actors are pretty terrible. And to make matters worse, all of them wore the exact same black hooded cloak, and literally every person in there was black. I’m not even joking here. Every “scarer” was seriously African American. But I really cannot stress this point enough: the fact that none of them were even dressed up like ghouls or monsters, really detracted from the entire event. It made the whole thing feel like the workers and owners weren’t even really trying. Also, the way they tried to scare you was pretty upsetting. All they really did was just wait around for you to turn the corner, and then they would jump out at you. It got really predictable. It seriously went something like this: *walk forward, turn around corner* “YARRGH, I’M GONNA GET YA!” *walk away, turn around corner* “GET OUT OF HERE!!!” *walk forward, turn left, then turn around corner* “HEY! I’M GONNA EAT YOUR BRAINS!” Pathetic.

And now that I think about it, why was everyone so poorly dressed up? The zombie guy at the entrance looked awesome, so why didn’t everyone at least look as good as that guy? I guess I know the answer already, but it kinda makes me mad: It’s pretty simple really, the business owners know that once you are inside they have your money, and it really doesn’t matter to them how much you end up enjoying your experience there. Honestly, I kinda feel this was the whole mentality of the entire haunted house.

Now that’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy myself there, I did. Erebus still had some sweet rooms, and some even cooler animatronic type robots. However, for the most part, Erebus really lacked a straight up scare the crap out of you factor. And unfortunately, that’s really the main reason most people go to haunted houses. Erebus really seemed more like a fun house with a scary theme attached on. Another thing that kinda bothered me was the length of the house. I was in there for a good 30 minutes or so, but a good half of that really just felt like aimless walking from one room to another. And on top of that, Erebus’ music/ sound sucks! It’s pretty much non-existant, which is certainly something that really detracts from the scared/ alarmed sense of feeling.

So overall, was it worth my 20 dollar admission fee? Well, to be honest, it was and it wasn’t. It was in the sense that I still had fun, and I can finally say I got to go to Erebus. At the same time however, I didn’t ever once get scared, and I could probably have had the same amount of fun at a crappier/ cheaper haunted house instead.

Regardless though, if you happen to be a haunted house aficionado, you still definitely need to check out Erebus. It really is a good sized haunt (I think it took me at least 30 minutes to get through it, although I had expected it to be a bit longer). However, if you are looking for more bang for your buck, you may want to consider other and possibly better options.

6/10

Next week - AVH!!!

After a pretty long break, and a lackluster second season, Heroes is finally back and seems to be pretty close to its original level of greatness. Although, that’s not to say that the two new episodes are entirely without fault. I guess I should warn you that I’m gonna be giving away a few spoilers, so if you don’t want them ruined for you, I suggest you stop reading this article. If you have seen the episdoes, or you have realized that by now Heroes is a pretty predictable show, and it’s hard for there to be any real surprises, then I urge you to read on friend.

When we last left our “Heroes”, Nathan had just been shot before he was able to announce to everyone that people with super human abilities existed. Also, the overly dramatic, yet tolerable viallain Sylar had just gained his powers back. Well, needless to say season three certainly starts off with a rather shocking beginning.

I’ll be the first to say it. Making Future Peter Nathan’s shooter is pretty original, and certainly interesting. However, half way through the episode I ended up getting pretty mad when Nathan came back to life. Then I got even more upset when I saw Linderman alive. Seriously, do people ever die and actually STAY dead in this show? Eh, oh well.

Sylar going after Claire was certainly interesting. For a second there I was almost beginning to wonder if she was actually going to die. Especially when her entire head comes off. Wait… What? Her entire head actually comes off, and she’s still alive?!?! WTF! THIS SHOW GOES AGAINST ITS OWN RULES! How many times have we heard before that for one of those healer types that if you cut off the head, they can’t come back to life! Well, apparently this doesn’t apply to Claire. As Sylar put it, “She’s special”. Yeah, special. Special as in that’s retarded.

The whole Suresh thing, and him gaining powers at the end, all I can say is that I clearly saw this coming. It’s really starting to get annoying that they can’t have a character who doesn’t have powers (with the exception of Mr. Bennet, who I think is one of the most well written characters). Anyway, the way it’s looking is that Suresh will most likely be a villain by the end of this season. Count on it.

The last scene with Hiro and Ando were certainly in my opinion, the best in the whole episode. I have been hoping that some sort of feud would come between the two, and then to actually see Ando get powers! Wow. Awesome. I can’t wait to see how they set this one up.

Episode two was probably the weaker of the two, but still a decent episode none the less. I’m finally glad to see Claire trying to actually do something for once, instead of just run away and cry. The whole Suresh and Maya thing seemed completely random, but did make me lol a bit.  Honestly, I’m kind of glad Matt is lost in a desert some where in Africa. His character has really been vexing to me since season two.

So there’s Nathan and Linderman again. That’s kinda weird that Nikki, I mean Jessica, err… Tracy doesn’t see him. Huh, neither does the nurse. Wait? What did he just say? Only Nathan can? OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! Well… on the bright side at least he isn’t back from the dead.

Alright! That whore Elle is finally gonna get what’s coming to her! Yeah, cut her head open Sylar! Yeah! Yeaaa… wha? Did she just explode? Wait. Is she still alive? SHE IS!!! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!??! SHE HAD A GASH HALF WAY ACROSS HER WHOLE HEAD!!! WHY DOES NO ONE DIE IN THIS SHOOOW!!!

Ahem. Sorry about that. But seriously. It seems like almost nobody actually dies, or at least stays dead. That is except for DL, who was black. Oh, and Alejandro who was Mexican. Then of course Isaac Mendez, who was also Hispanic… wait a minute… OH MY GOD, HEROES IS RACIST!

Heh. Well, with that aside, episode two ends on a rather interesting note. Can’t say I didn’t entirely see something like this coming, but regardless it should make things rather interesting. All in all, it looks like Heroes finally might be off to a good start.

“The Second Coming (ep 1)” : 7.9 / 10

“The Butterfly Effect (ep 2)”: 7.0/ 10